Tuesday, 8 February 2011

52Q ~ Q's 5 & 6 ~ Journalling

Q5's journalling to go with this LO

How Do I Feel Today?

Well, it's Monday 31st January and I feel happy and blessed. This morning I felt nervous, but that soon changed.

I had an e-mail from Sammie on Friday asking me if I was free to meet up in Ely today for lunch at Prezzo's. Excited at the prospect of meeting my blogging pal, I said yes. Then reality sunk in!

What would we find to talk about? Would we like each other in real life? Would I be brave enough to actually go? Even though I knew I would go, I still wondered and worried. But, I needn't have. From the moment we met, we talked non-stop.

We sat down just after 12:30 and the next time we knew, it was 15:15. What on earth had happened to that time? We ate, drank wine, talked, laughed, put the world to rights and had a ball. I only wish we lived nearer each other

Q6's journalling to go with this LO

If I could do it all again, would I change anything?

The simple answer is "YES, I most certainly would". But what would I change?

1. I would ask to change schools to one that would let me study technical drawing so that I could hopefully get a qualification and go on to further study to become an architect.

3. I would not have stayed with someone for over two years after I was hit the first time. I would have left instantly and not looked back.

4. I would not have stood to the side while another ex said goodbye to their blood Mum after meeting for the first time. I didn't think they'd want me right by their side at the time, but I was so wrong. He couldn't cope, wouldn't listen to why I'd done it and we separated that evening :( To this day, he is still the one true love of my life and I wish I could hold his hand again.

5. I've had a few people be indecisive over whether they want me around and if so, how they want me. I would stop all that and make the decision to walk away from them instead.

6. When things go bad, I turn to food. If I could change things, I would find something to replace it or another way of coping Food has not been a comfort, more of an enemy.

7. *** I would change the last thing I said to Nan. I was grieving for Dad and that was mixed with frustration Little did I know that she'd die overnight and before I had chance to say sorry for how I'd been.

8. *** I regret not spending more time with Dad when he was ill. I did take a nice lunch to have with him the week before he died and it was lovely there being just us there. But, I wish I'd told him I loved him, we just never did that as a family.

9. I've tried to be who and what others want me to be. It's made me into a very unhappy person who's not sure who she really is. I would change all that and be me warts and all. If someone's not happy with who I am they wouldn't have to stick around me would they?

So, yes, I'd change a lot, but in doing so I'd also be changing who I am, where I am and what I am! I wonder how that would work?

*** Please remember that once someone's died, you lose the chance to spend time with them, tell them how you feel about them and make amends for things you've said. It's never too early to change that, but it can be too late.

And yes, I do know there's not a number 2. That journalling is way too personal to share.

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Lou and Mel said...

Oh Sarah - your journalling is very moving.
There are a lot of things you would change but that would change who you are now wouldn't it? And that would be a bad thing.
Some of your points ring very true - especially about spending time with people. I wish I had asked more questions of my grandparents - about their lives. Time ran out.I know I should learn from that so that time doesnt race away with my own parents.

Jo N said...

I agree - if everything had been different you'd not be you; someone many of us think a very very lot of!! :-)

Sarah said...

Awww Jo, you're so sweet (she says with tears in her eyes) xxx

Thank Lou and Mel. You're so right about time racing away.